MAN, male, any adult age. WOMAN, female, any adult age. WAITER, any age/gender.
Act I The MAN and WOMAN are seated. We catch them in the middle of a conversation, laughing at something said before we began this scene.
MAN …yeah, that’s true. You know, this is probably the best first date I’ve been on in a while. How do you think it’s going?
WOMAN So far, so good!
MAN Cool! Anyway, I’m glad you felt like showing up.
WOMAN What do you mean? Were you expecting to get stood up?
MAN The truth is, I’ve been stood up before. It’s no big deal. It happens sometimes.
WOMAN Well, I’m not the kind of lady who’d gyp you on a date.
Awkward pause.
MAN Did you just say “gyp”?
WOMAN Yes. “Gyp.” As in, I wouldn’t stand you up.
MAN No, I know what you meant. It’s just that my mother’s parents are gypsies, and “gyp” could be construed as offensive.
WOMAN Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to offend.
MAN I’m not offended, personally. But my mom could be. You know, if you met her. Not that I’m trying to move things so quickly during our first date! Ha ha ha!
WOMAN No, no, I understand. I wasn’t—
MAN To tell you the truth, I get annoyed by my mother’s side of the family. Honestly, I’m kind of ashamed to be related to a bunch of crazy gypsies.
WOMAN (relieved) Boy, I’m glad you said that. It turns out I despise gypsies!
MAN (thinking she’s kidding) Ha ha! Nice!
WOMAN Disgusting gypsies!
MAN Well…
WOMAN (a little more intense) Dirty smelly gypsies!
MAN Okay, now…
WOMAN (more intense still) I just wanna go to their filthy gypsy towns and burn them alive in their gypsy huts and steal their gypsy slippers!
MAN Whoa.
WOMAN (back to Earth now) Sorry.
MAN “Burn them alive in their gypsy huts”?
WOMAN I got a little carried away.
MAN What are “gypsy slippers,” anyway?
WOMAN (embarrassed, fumbling) Ha ha…yeah. I saw a show on the History Channel or something…?
MAN I’m starting to wonder whether we’re such a good match, despite what eHarmony says.
The WAITER enters.
WOMAN There’s got to be some reason that they matched us up. We must have something in common.
WAITER Are either of you interested in a glass of wine?
The man and woman each says his/her next line at the same time.
MAN Red!
WOMAN White!
The waiter nods and leaves.
MAN Hmm.
WOMAN Hmm. Okay. Let’s try this: Do you have any pets? I have three dogs.
MAN I don’t like animals. I was a big fan of Obama. Did you—
WOMAN You mean the President of Kenya?
MAN Ouch.
WOMAN All right, no politics. Do you believe in God?
MAN Yes.
WOMAN Well, at least that’s—
MAN All of them. I’m covering my bases, praise be to Quetzalcoatl.
A slight pause as they consider their differences.
WOMAN I just don’t get it.
MAN Maybe it’s one of those things where what we have in common, is the fact that we have nothing in common.
WOMAN That doesn’t make any sense.
MAN I know! And that’s an opinion we have in common, which means…
WOMAN It doesn’t work like that.
MAN Maybe they made a mistake after all.
WOMAN You’re probably right.
MAN I agree, too! That means…
WOMAN No.
MAN Yeah, I know. I just wanted this date to work out because my buddy bet me fifty bucks that it wouldn’t. And I’m not the kind of guy who’d welsh on a bet.
A moment as the woman has a revelation.
WOMAN Did you say “welsh” on a bet?
MAN Yeah. It means you can trust me to pay up.
WOMAN I know what it means. It’s just that my dad is from Wales, and he’d consider that offensive.
MAN (apologetic) Wow. I didn’t realize…
WOMAN That’s okay! I hate my dad!
MAN Really?
WOMAN Only because he’s Welsh! And I hate the Welsh!
MAN Hey! Me too!
WOMAN Disgusting Welsh!
MAN And their awful Welsh soccer teams!
WOMAN And their gross Welsh mayonnaise!
MAN And their logically invalid Welsh arguments!
WOMAN I want to drop a bomb on all of Wales!
MAN And plug up their blowholes!
WOMAN Blowholes?
MAN Yeah! You know, whales? Blowholes?
WOMAN That's not what I was talking about but I agree!
The waiter has returned.
MAN Wow! It looks like we are a perfect match!
WAITER What would you like for your main course?
The man and woman each says his/her next line at the same time.